My little Saintpaulias also known as an “African Violet”

This morning I woke up, and I did not feel good. Initially, I wasn’t sure if it was caused by a change in my hormones, my sleep (the way that I slept) or my situation. I presently understand that this feeling of “contempt” sprung from my mind, and with me not taking the proper precautions. Everything was “getting to me” this morning. I did not set my intentions for the day last night like I strive to do on a daily basis, I typically do this before going to bed each night. I woke up and I didn’t know why I was awake. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the day. I wanted to go back to sleep.

My partner asked me what I planned to do with the day, and I immediately felt myself become defensive. I had taken what he asked me as an attack.

Why? Because I had no idea what I intended to do with my day, and instead of taking the time to answer his question, I countered it with another question. I saw my partner get up to go seize his day, to take advantage of the opportunities out there, to make new opportunities for himself. As I watched him put on clothes, groom himself, and get his things together for the gym, I found myself feeling resentful, angry, and eventually afraid. (Panicked, if you will…)

These feelings ultimately led to a feeling of loneliness, which is why I eventually pulled away from him and didn’t choose to speak on these feelings when I began to feel them. I had no idea why I was here/there other than the fact that I had decided to quit my job the week prior without a Plan B-Z, so because I made that decision, I was here.

When he went to say goodbye, and to give me a hug and a kiss, I was distant and avoiding him. We said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways. Looking back at my behavior, I see that I did not take the time to manage my emotions this morning. I feel as if I was attempting to punish my partner simply for being there, showing affection, and an interest in my general disposition. He doesn’t deserve to be punished, and neither do I, this is something that I now acknowledge. We have since spoken about our interaction this morning, and I believe we have come to an understanding in that regard.

I have taken some time to sit with myself, and I have realized that I do not want to be here, in this place, in this head space, in this reality that I have created for myself. I am presently living in a state of fear, I am afraid of so many things. I am constantly living in a state of “survival”, and if I am honest with myself I understand that this is because I know it so well. I know surviving, all too well. I know suffering, all too well. It makes me feel safe, I know how to respond to it.

The more time that I spend on this Earth, I realize that I feel things for a reason, so I always like to sit with myself to explore my feelings when they come about. I’ve read somewhere that Fear is the non-acceptance of uncertainty, and Anger is the non-acceptance of things that are beyond our control, and this explanation resonates with me greatly. I realize that the feelings that I felt this morning had little to do with my partner and the things that he had to accomplish that day, but moreso with myself. I was angry with myself, I was afraid of myself- letting myself down? Failing? Being inadequate? Essentially, I was suffering unnecessarily. I was making myself anxious for no reason. Situation aside, finances aside, weather aside, I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful for this beautiful little Violet, I’ve decided to name her “India”- like India Ink & India.Arie!

After my experience this morning, and after giving myself time to sit, think, ponder, cry, purge, and look within, I am presently full of hope: it is a good feeling to have. I have decided that I do not want to be sad anymore – I can’t be. I asked myself why I created this scenario, this situation for myself, and I cannot come up with any answer other than “I created this reality for myself to test myself, to see what I am truly capable of, because what I was doing before was not working for my soul, so I had to try something new”, that’s why. I understand that when I spend my time being sad, or angry, or fearful (remember, when you spend = to give away, to trade!) I am trading my time, the time that I could spend being happy for sadness, suffering, despair, inaction. I have decided that I don’t want to do that any longer. I want to do more, I want to be more.

I am grateful because I was able to re-pot my little Violet, take some fun photos today, and play around in Lightroom!

In order to do better and be better, today I decided to focus on two things: doing the things that I love, because love in motion = happiness, and practicing gratitude for the things that I presently have in my life. Too often I find myself getting angry, or fearful when I forget to be grateful for the things that I have already. To put this into practice: if I accept the unknown, and the uncertainty that life throws out, and I do not choose to respond in Fear but in Love, then how can I lose? How can I suffer? If I accept that some things are out of my control and I do not choose to respond in Anger but in Gratitude, then how can I lose? How can I suffer?

Looking at these words written down, like instructions for an easy to assemble piece of furniture, it almost seems to good to be true – but is it? I understand that many things in this reality are mind over matter, and I have to remind myself this everyday: if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I will be taking it day by day, because how I felt this morning was very real, and I cannot forget where I come from, it has shaped who I am as a person. Looking at the bigger picture, I also realize that I am the writer of my own novel, and I can make a choice to choose love, compassion, and gratitude each and everyday. I can do this by setting my intentions and doing my best to live up to these expectations that I set for myself. I’m not saying that it will be easy, but I am saying that I am presently working to remain cognizant of myself, my emotions, and of the way that I choose to interact with those around me.

Have you ever had to get yourself back to a better state of mind? Do you ever take time to sit with yourself to seek understanding? What are some ways that you show yourself kindness, love, and understanding? How do you hold yourself accountable?

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts, ideas, and stories. Feel free to comment below!

-Michaela ♥